Desiderata

by Gaia Rajan

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Where are you from?

The women in this town measure their worth
by the ghosts of their possible selves and I am winning 

at this game. Nights, I rip her throat 
from my mouth. Mornings, she’s in the basement, 

and I should be ashamed. That ugly mouth, 
her footsteps’ wet echo. 

She ends.
I cry like a loser. Everyone applauds. 

What have you done?

The first time I killed her, 

my mother accused me of secret grief, 
of mourning when I hung her skin up in the closet

and scuffed my eyes in the morning. I lied. 
I told her my ghosts are nothing

but flesh in the jaw. I’m so much better now
without her. I am so much better 

and once I am better I will be dead. 
I left the mail on the counter.

I’m so useful before I end. 

Do you ever feel guilty?

I’ll see her in the kitchen, eyeless and still 
shedding seams. No, I’m not guilty.

I still can’t cook anything but a fire. 
No, I’m not guilty. I want to live I swear 

this time I mean it

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Gaia Rajan is the author of Killing It (Black Lawrence Press, 2022). His work has appeared in the Academy of American Poets Poem-A-Day, Best New Poets, the Best of the Net anthology, The Kenyon Review, and elsewhere. Gaia is an undergraduate at Carnegie Mellon University. He lives in Pittsburgh and online at @gaiarajan on Twitter or Instagram.