Mi Culpa

by Mateo Lara

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this home full of —
patriarchal nonsense, you knew I 
fucked up when
I came bleeding from
my wound. never said 
how or why or who did
but like all queer violence
over 20% inherited, proved to a body // etched into our skin
before birth. before docu-men-tation could occur
I guess it’s my fault.
I’ve let the hot-water purify skin, raw
I’m leaning into cis-men for support // you shame me.
where were you when I needed you?
I keep waiting // wanting to talk about this cut, how it festers
under gel-black glitter fingernails// under my crooked teeth
under my grandma’s disapproval, my papa’s death, I cannot
pretend shame did not bubble-up from the earth
how putrid I’ve become, well, fuck your masculinity
chingaté, choke on it hard // fast, my ghost named damage
reminds me people are dying on this ‘free land’ 
I feel all their deaths, I // saddened, for being so westernized, white-washed  queer 
in this decaying America…I know it’s not only me
but I still feel dissolution in my family as my fault my fault my fault
what would my mother think, seeing my weakness broken into pieces // pieces//pieces
as I sing into silence the echo: mi culpa mi culpa mi culpa …… ……
…… …… …… ……
…… …… …… ……

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Mateo Perez Lara is a queer, non-binary, Latinx poet from California. They received their M.F.A. in Poetry as part of the first cohort to graduate from Randolph College’s Creative Writing Program. They are an editor for RabidOak Online Literary Journal. They have a chapbook, Glitter Gods, published with Thirty West Publishing House. Their poems have been published in EOAGH, The Maine Review, and elsewhere.